Lost Best Friend

[Heather Lovelace]

Last night I was talking to my best friend, online. Most people know her as being the "ADD girl" because she claims to have problems but doesn't tell anyone. Everyone says she's attention seeking and faking the whole "I want to kill myself". I got to find out more about it; the closest I've ever been to finding out what's really going on. We talked about suicide, and she asked me a few questions about my attempt to kill myself (last year I took an overdose). Then, I asked her why she wanted to commit suicide...

[18:17:22] *invisible*
I jus h8 life, its rly hard n
complicated, recently iv realised ppl care which makes me
feel slightly better, but i still feel like i shudnt b
here. i live life from the sidelines, i dnt feel im real, i
feel like im jus watchin it all. thats left out i feel. i
hav family issues n jus in de past lots of thins hav
happened n i dnt wana grow up n live coz i dnt wana deal
wid even more probs, coz i stil hav problems i aint dealt wid, n
theyr majorly depressin me too. it feels like im unwanted n
nonexistant.

...We talked for a while then, before I went, I asked her if she was OK. She seemed fine. See, I dont get to see my best friend that much, we dont live so near, well, we do but we meet up every so often. I know she has her problems at high school. Fitting in and not many people know her, but they dont want to know her either. The only reason I know this is because my boyfriend tells me. He sees her around and knows her friends. My best friend would never tell me all this stuff herself, and it kind of made me angry how she kept her problems hidden when I could help her.. Or try.

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying that there had been an accident. She had been rushed to hospital that night and... She didn't make it. She did end up commiting suicide, the same way I tried. I didn't believe him first, I just thought it was some sick - very sick joke. But I know he doesn't lie. I was a state. I broke down into tears and knew I had to tell her other closest friend, Ella. We phoned her dad anyway, just to make sure. He didn't want to talk to me. I asked if she was there, but he said she had gone.. He wanted to talk to my mom. Not me. But my mom wasn't there so.. anyway. I never found out from him, himself.

I hate her step dad. I dont think he ever showed he cared and he obviously didn't love her. He was pretty cold and never spoke much. Im thinking this is part of her problem, aside of the shitty arguments she had with her gurly friends (ya know, the stoopid gurl fights that are like.. over nothing!) and her not fitting in with everyone else. She wasn't all that good looking either but, I was / or atleast tried to be there for her always and to be a good friend. I loved her to bits and she was the person I felt I could tell her everything.

I partly blame myself for her suicide. I know people close to someone they have lost start blaming themselfs when its not there fault and they know it (that really piddlys me off) But I feel I have been selfish. These times when I told her aboot my problems, she had problems of her own and I didnt want to take it seriously that she was suicidel from the rumours I heard.

I dont even think she meant to end her life so young. I think it was a cry for help. She wanted to hurt herself and make people see she needed someone.. She needed help and I wasn't there for her at the time!

She left a note. Two notes. One for everyone and one for me.. She took the drugs and tried to call someone 2hours later, after taking them. She was found unconcious and didn't make it.

There is so much I want to say to her. And I feel I haven't told her enough, just how much she meant to me, she really was my closest friend and I loved her. I dont want to believe she's gone. It still hasn't sunk in... I looked back over my saved conversations which she said "my friends are the only reason im still alive"

[Sheryl]

Oh god, I feel so bad for you right now, I don't know what it feels like to loose a best friend, well I half know what it feels like because of when my best friend left my school and went to live in another part of England. I really do feel bad for you, and like, I hope you're alright and everything. When my best friend left me I felt like I could never get as attached to somebody like that ever again, you will probably think about that a lot.

[Heather Lovelace]

She was such a lovely person though.. people just didn't tak the time to get to know her. She was a really good friend and I think everyone that deserves it, needed a friend like her.

[OKO]

Suicide.

Those bastards just couldnt let her fit in. Too many people do result In commiting suicide, because they feel unloved, or something else, being bullied. Traumatised. This is just another example of what people can do mentally.

I really do hope you get through this. Thoughts with her family and you.

Rest In Peace Tina.

[Heather Lovelace]

Hey, thanks. Yeah... I really feel for her mom. Not so much her step dad because hes a dick. He never sounded upset or looked it.

[TelescopeEyes]

Wow, reading that made me cry.. I'm so sorry to hear that I can't begin to understand how you must feel right now.

[whitney_m]

Aw Heather. I feel so bad. I'm so sorry hon. Really. If you wanna talk i'm here.

[Heather Lovelace]

Thanks girls, Whitney. I have to start going counceling. I dont know why. It doesn't matter how much I cry, or watever dumbass teachers say, it's not going to bring back Tina. I feel like I have nothing left to remember her by.. But memories.. That makes me feel a lil better. But it still doesn't feel like she's gone. I've never lost a best friend. It's weird.

[whitney_m]

I can't even imagine how you feel right now. I almost lost one of my friends, and I don't live close to her either. And I still have some friends that worry me a lot. I mean, they live kinda far-ish so it's hard knowing you can't be there physically.

I know it's hard to take your mind off of these things, but you have to try. Listen to music, talk to someone, anything to help you feel better. Even though feeling better may seem impossible right now.
I'm always here for ya though!

[TelescopeEyes]

It's going to be hard to deal with something like this. I don't know how I'd feel if that was me. I hope you're ok and maybe by taking to someone it could help alot but you're right it won't bring her back but it might help having someone to get how you're feeling in the open and talking about how she was and how you rememberd her.

[Heather Lovelace]

Aaaw, thank you, whit. That's sweet... Yeah... Music helps.
And Avril-isit. I've been talking to people aboot it, and it does help. It helps alot to remember her, in a good way. I would like to know what actually pushed her off the edge in the end. Something must have happend. I really dont know what to do... I dont think i'd be able to go to a funeral. I never went to my dads either. I couldn't, I was too upset plus I was a lil younger... I might think about going to the funeral. But...

[TelescopeEyes]

It's Lisa, not that you have to remember that.

I'm sure it does help alot, I know that remembering her the way she was and the times you were with her won't ever be the same as when she was here and you were with her but it's what you have to hold onto and remember about her. Not knowing what really pushed her off the edge in the end is the burning question that you won't ever get to know.. It's totally understandable that you feel that you won't be able to go the funeral to have to watch you're best friend buried.. to watch that before you're eyes will probably hurt so much and it will be very hard for you and for everyone thats lost her. I think maybe if it were me I'd go to the funeral, just think about that whether you want to go or not.. if you feel it would be to hard and you can't face going then it might be bestnot but just really think about that..

Sorry for rambling, it's just a really sad thing and I hope you pull throught it ok.

[Heather Lovelace]

Hey no, it's totally kewl. Yes, I'll think about it, maybe this time I will.. ergh, never been to a funeral. Creeps me out but yeah, it will be the last time I'll get to see/be with her.. to say goodbye.

[TelescopeEyes]

I've never been to one either, I dread the day that I have to because when I have to go to one it will be to have to say goodbye to someone forever.

Whatever you decide, I hope you'll get through this.. It will take time and time to even really sink in.

[Heather Lovelace]

Yeah, the feeling of going to a funeral and saying goodbye forever... No one wants to do that. If you say goodbye, it's goodbye for good and you just have to get over it and realise they are gone. It's just hard but thanx again, Avril-Isit. Thanx everyone :)

[Sheryl]

You feeling any better today Heather, I hope you are.

[Heather Lovelace]

No. Not any better to when I first found out.. It just doesn't seem real. I got sent home today because things were just getting too much for me and I... Just cant stop crying. I got called by a detective, and I understand that I have everything to do with it. (and Im going to have to print off that MSN conversation I had with her) They got my number from Tina's cell phone; Because I text her after I found out she was ... she past away. Teachers are asking If im going to go to the funeral (I still dont know yet. I think I will). They are very understanding.. Unlike my mom, brother and sister.. well, my sister is the only one I can talk to. And Tyler, my friend who went to her school.

[Sheryl]

Awwwwwwwwww, damn, this must be really hard for you. Don't blame ALL of it on yourself, think about it, she had trouble fitting in at school, some of it would have been those people who wouldn't let her fit in. What could you have possibly done wrong?

[Heather Lovelace]

I wasn't there for her at that time which makes me think, what If I was... I know I could stop all this. Detectives went to her school, spoke to Tyler and there was hell of alot people ourside his school. The media. This is shit and the day I found out, it truly is the worst day of my life. I could never feel as bad as Im feeling right now. Im really angry.
I can even try to start getting over it. Of course not, but the fact that I will have to state everything that has happend (as Im her best friend) I know alot aboot this...

She told me "watever happens, dont tell anyone this (something terrible and I just did nothing) keep this to yourself, you are my best friend and I trust you"

It makes me want to screem with anger. I stood back and did nothing! I should have done something.. Even though she told me not to. Im going to have to tell the truth and tell them this secret... For her.

This is too much for me to take in. Im finding all of this very hard and I just want everything to go back to how it was. Sounds stoopid; I know; But I just want her back.

[TelescopeEyes]

The worst thing you could do now is blame yourself, it won't help at all... if anything it will just make you feel worse. I know it must be so hard wondering what if you were there, what if you did things differently.. would things have be different but the fact is that, that doesn't matter. It happend and you did what you could for her but I know that you think that you could have done alot more... I'm really sorry that this has happend and that you're not taking this well at all.

Wanting her back and wanting things to the way they were doesn't sound stupid, its just something you want so bad because you can't have it back.

[Heather Lovelace]

Ok. Im going to go to the funeral. For If I dont, I will never get that even second chance to say goodbye - though I dont want to! But there will never be another time.

[Heather Lovelace]

I heard from my boyfriend that that the funeral is now "private" and only for family.

... Everyone else is now totally cut up about it.

I saw her real dad outside the school yesturday. He was really upset, and it just made me cry to see him like that. I gave him a big hug.

But then, it makes me think. It takes something this bad for him to come down and see her in such a way!?

Her mom and step dad are lying to the papers. Her step dad is getting money out of this! I think it's sick. And now he doesn't want anyone at the funeral. Well, she wouldn't want him there. I know that.

[Get Over It]

only for family?! lying to the papers!?

god, that's just..um.. :S

[Heather Lovelace]

It's really pissed me off. And alot of people too. If it's for her famly only, there will only be about... *1*... *2*.. 3 people there! Y'know, Im not going to bother going around to her moms house. I thought she was nice but she's really lying to the papers. She even mentiond that "She was childish and cried for attention"

God! If I only knew it was that bad. She wasn't crying for attention. She was crying for help.

[Crystal]

I'm so sorry that you lost your best friend. Mine passed away in March, and I know how hard it is.

You don't know me...but I'm Crys. You can PM me if you ever want to talk....

[Heather Lovelace]

Aaw.. Thanks Crys :(

Im sorry to hear that about your friend, she must have been pretty young too, eh.

[Crystal]

My friend was a guy, and he was 18.

[Nirvana]

woah, I'm really sorry to hear that, that made me cry and think....it made me think about kurt cobian too....tomorow I'm telling all of my friends that I love them, and anybody that I think needs it.....there's nothing you can do.....even though as much as you wish you could.nothing will change....I think I'd be more mad at the person because they left me...such a selfish thing to do though....dammit now you made me think about it.....and I'm crying.being suicidal sucks but actually doing it sucks for everyone around you......whatever you do don't listen to the song sappy by nirvana or bother by stonesour......they're horrible songs to listen to at this time.....

[Heather Lovelace]

I love Nirvana. Lol. Thanks. And yeah, your right, I'm mad at Tina in a way.. I know it sounds selfish but.. I am. I've become over protective to my friends. I don't want to loose another good friend. Makes me think more about suicide and now I know I wont do it, I've seen what it's done to people you love. It hurts and It's taking time for me to get over it...

[Nirvana]

I was talking aboot the person commiting suicide selfish.....because they're thinking of themselves and the easy way out of misery.and they should talk aboot it to someone.....

[Heather Lovelace]

Yeah. I know. That's why I won't do it. I wasn't only upset when I find out, But really pissed at her. If she told me, I could have helped her, and I know I would. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my friends because I love them and It would hurt me twice as much to see them hurt.

[Crystal]

^ That's really sweet.

It seems like it's really really hard to talk someone out of suicide. If they're that fixed on wanting to die, chances are whatever you say won't change their minds. But it's worth a shot since you're dealing with a life and death situation.

[Heather Lovelace]

Only I got myself out of being suicidel. I wouldn't say I was totally fixed on wanting to end my life. Some part of me knew I could just change it around and just deal with my problems. Or, I could just do it the easy way.. and.. I did. I took an overdose. Ended up in hospital. That's when I realised I didn't want to kill myself.
Talking someone out of being suicidel is the hardest thing. For me, telling someone was the hardest thing.... I never even told anyone 'till they found out when I was taken into hospital.

[Crystal]

I guess when you have a near-death experience, you could possibly realize that you don't want to die after all.

[Nirvana]

well isn't that kinda what she just said???suicde...no....ugly...puts you out of misery and puts a lot of other people in it....there will always be that question..."what if" like what if I talked to her or what if she was still alive but the past cannot be changed whats done is done....

[Heather Lovelace]

You're right.. But it still makes me think "what if..." and I can't help but blame myself. Still, I hate her for what she's done. To leave me knowing I'd be like this.. She knew I loved her and cared aboot her. I had never been so close to anyone as I was with her... The only one I could trust, she was like family to me... Don't really get along with my mom (never did with my brother) anymore. It all makes me feel so alone, knowing she's gone and she's not coming back makes me feel sick.

[Nirvana]

YOU SAY ABOOT TOO!!!! srry
well there will ALWAYS be that feeling...trust me...but it was her decision make it a cry for help or not....she knew the consequences or what could happen...you have to forgive...don't take her departure as a good bye....but as a ...until next time :)

[Heather Lovelace]

Thankz ^_^ And yeah, Lol. I say "aboot" :P

[Danni]

i'm so sorry to hear about your friend, even though it was a little while ago. i hope everything is all fine now... i just had to say thankyou because reading through this thread hit me in a way and has helped me with something... so yeah thanks, i know none of you know me or care, but alot of stuff said in here would help someone, even a little...

[gwen-rox]

I slighty know how you feel, i've had about 10 of my BEST friends move away..they just keep on leavin..and it hurts alot..but still i can see them. So i know how you feel wit that. Alot of my friends (well the ones left) Hurt them selves. and one of them tried to kill herself, accouple of times. It's really horrible when she would come to school with a bandage on her arm, because you and everyone else would know she'd hurt herself again. Lucky she's gotten alot better, but yet still isn't completely rite, tho i don't think anyone can be completely rite.

It's a horrible feeling knowing that you can't do anything more than talk to them and be there for them.

I really hope you feel better, I know you've probly herd all this stuf b4 but yea, i think everything helps. If you ever want to talk i'm here for you. :)

[HazelEyedBaby]

srry i just read this im late and omg heather im so sorry to hear that! look if you ever need to talk to anyone or anything just pm me ill be here for you and im very sorry to hear that :'(