narrator
10-25-2002, 11:00 AM
August
The 3rd
Felt like writing. So, sort of on impulse I bought this notebook thing at the grocery store. I think the reason I got this was to get something off my chest. When I first moved here I had a vague sense that I was different somehow like the way you feel when you cut off a fingernail and can feel the difference. I just don’t know anymore. I mean it’s all just depressing here. Judy and the kids seem to like it fine but I don’t know. I look in their eyes and see that strange sort of longing that I can feel in myself. I’m starting to believe that moving here wasn’t such a great idea as I had first thought.
The 4th
Tired. Tired of work and most all else. It just seems so forced nowadays I don’t care- don’t want to. I just show up. It’s like how I felt when I was in elementary school. Just sit through it. I’ve got all this energy stored up and I feel like I’m gonna pop. I guess this journal helps but I wish things could be different.
The 5th
Judy asked me today what I wanted to do for a summer vacation if we had one and personally the thought never entered my mind. But it sounds good, a vacation to get away from it all, the job, mostly the job but the neighbors too. They seem to be nervous always staring across at everyone else. I met this one guy Jerry who seemed okay but when I left his house I could swear he was peeking through the window at me. And peeping is the only word that fits for what he was doing because it implies that it was wrong and it did feel that way. Maybe I will take a vacation, clear my head, take a break. God knows I need it.
The 6th
We’re going to Vegas. I know it seems kind of bastardly to take kids there but I saw those amusement parks they had and I know the kids would have a good time, Johnny especially. We’re leaving tomorrow and staying a whole week. Judy was a little down on the idea but I convinced her. I mean I can’t do much better than that money isn’t as abundant as it used to be. But I can live with it- will live with it. Besides I could do a little gambling up there and make some money. Maybe win a jackpot.
The 14th
Got back tonight. It was great; everyone seemed to have a good time but Jessica. She doesn’t seem to have a good time anywhere. I made four hundred bucks. The last time I was at Vegas I lost over a thousand. So could this mean luck is finally coming my way? I don’t know but I can make an educated guess. I don’t really feel like writing tonight, so…
The 21st
Didn’t feel like writing all week. Then it sunk in. I’m stuck here. Like so many other people who had ambitions and dreams but found them unattainable. I see all the people on this street and just from their faces I can tell they’re all like me desperate to change, but somehow unable. And it’s not that I can’t but that it’s too hard. Wishing doesn’t make it happen, so I’ll try. Try for myself more than anyone else, God knows I need to. I haven’t dug myself into a rut but more like a gorge and it’s gonna take a hell of a lot before I feel good again. But that’s okay I guess. I’ve got Judy and Johnny and little Jessica I just wish I could be happy for them.
The 23rd
Fought with Judy. God am I an asshole. I can’t just leave it alone. I can’t express my anger at the thing that actually makes me angry instead I leave it on her. Stayed up all night. Didn’t want to go up there couldn’t face her. I just sat downstairs on the couch. I went out on the porch and noticed a lot of other people were out there too. It just seemed eerie, like a feeling of déjà vu. What was even stranger was what happened next, I guess it was just the awkwardness of us all being out there at the same time but then within a minute we all went back inside myself going in before some others but I got the feeling that they were going to go inside not much later.
Now more than ever I just want to start over. Start a new life. And I feel terrible for it. I love my family but I hate my life. It was hard for me to admit but I do. It’s like I’m trapped in my own life forced to live it out. I will. I owe Judy and the kids that much I mean I said, “I do” and with that comes the responsibility of it. And even if I could divorce Judy would that change anything.
The 24th
Went over to that guy Jerry’s house he called me over after I got home. He seemed eager to talk to me but couldn’t quite explain about what. Normally I would have been mad at something like this but to see the expression on his face. He said, “I found out something”. For a while he didn’t tell me but after he did I have to say it made my day. “They’re changin’ us,” he said his face lit as if he had just discovered that the world was round and he had to share it with the world. “The houses are changin’ us.” If he didn’t look the way he did I would have laughed in his face. I told him I had to go and I could do without the look he gave me as I left, like a little kid who was just told that he was the only person who wasn’t going to the fair. So I left all the while behind me he said, “I’ve lived here the longest I should know.” I didn’t tell Judy she would have called the cops on him or something. He’s not dangerous just a little crazy. I can respect that because we all are in a way.
The 25th
Johnny broke his arm this afternoon. I swear he’s going to kill himself one of these days with his tree climbing. Although when I was his age I did the same sort of stuff I still had to ground him. I mean in the emergency room when we left he was telling Jessie how he was gonna climb the tree. He would get to the top. Greg Allen had done it so he could too. I asked him where the Allen’s lived he said down on Caulder street. What had he been doing climbing a tree on our street. Johnny said he didn’t know. Kids are so stupid these days I mean that tree is about to fall down without the aid of children climbing atop it. When I came home I can’t be sure it was probably just a trick of the eyes but I thought I saw the Goodman’s and the Fowler’s boys both of them had white casts on. Didn’t happen, nope.
The 26th
Feeling a lot better. The job or life doesn’t seem so down anymore. Maybe I was just going through mid-life crisis or something like that but I swear I feel so much better. Like after you vomit. I know it’s a pretty gross analogy but that’s as close to what I can think up about how it feels. I talked to that Jerry guy again today and apparently he’s feeling good to. I asked him about that theory of his and he said I was crazy. It’s okay maybe I am and that’s why I feel so good.
The 27th
I found out that Jerry and me drink the same beer, like the same music and movies. It’s great I can finally have one of those guy friends that I miss desperately from Oklahoma. Sometimes you just have to wait and then you figure out that the world isn’t so bad it was just a little dip in your life it always goes back up again.
The 28th
You know what’s funny. Everyone on the street leaves for work at about the same time. And everybody on the streets got kids. Kind of weird but that’s okay. I mean it’s kind of better not having the old couple that keeps to themselves or the creepy guy that lives alone on the street. What’s wrong with that? Nothing. But I really did think that Jerry was single when I first met him. Didn’t seem to have a wife but it turns out he’s got a wife and two kids. It’s a small world after all.
The 29th
I like writing in here even though I don’t feel I need to anymore. I can’t really let go. Everything’s going good. Went to the doctor, was fine. Talked to Mr. Goodman who was waiting with me. Turns out we both set our appointments on the same day. Got checked out. I’m doing good. When I was leaving I said hello to David Long who lives just down the street he made an appointment too. It’s a damn small world.
The 30th
Good day, good life. Went to work. Had a not too shabby day there. Came home and it was even better. Said hello to everyone, literally, they all said hello back. Does life get better than this?
The 31st
Wonderful day. Got a dog, just up and decided to. Jerry was at the store getting one too. Great minds think alike. We named it Rex. Got a tag made with Jerry they named theirs T-rex. Great minds think alike. You know they do.
September
The 1st
Good day. The dog’s getting along well. Johnny is nervously awaiting school, while Jessica can’t wait for it. Judy says we should get them school supplies we have been putting it off long enough, do it tomorrow.
The 2nd
Good day. Got school supplies for the kids. Went clothes shopping with Judy. Bought clothes for Judy, the kids and myself. Then went home. Good day.
The 3rd
Good day. One more day until school begins. Work was fine. Talked with Jerry.
Then went home. Good day.
The 4th
Good day. Kids began school. Said it was good. Work was fine. Good day.
The 5th
Good day. Work was fine. Talked with Jerry. Good day.
The 6th
Good day. Work was fine. Good day.
The 7th
Good day.
The 8th
Good day.
The 9th
Good day.
The 10th
Good day.
The 3rd
Felt like writing. So, sort of on impulse I bought this notebook thing at the grocery store. I think the reason I got this was to get something off my chest. When I first moved here I had a vague sense that I was different somehow like the way you feel when you cut off a fingernail and can feel the difference. I just don’t know anymore. I mean it’s all just depressing here. Judy and the kids seem to like it fine but I don’t know. I look in their eyes and see that strange sort of longing that I can feel in myself. I’m starting to believe that moving here wasn’t such a great idea as I had first thought.
The 4th
Tired. Tired of work and most all else. It just seems so forced nowadays I don’t care- don’t want to. I just show up. It’s like how I felt when I was in elementary school. Just sit through it. I’ve got all this energy stored up and I feel like I’m gonna pop. I guess this journal helps but I wish things could be different.
The 5th
Judy asked me today what I wanted to do for a summer vacation if we had one and personally the thought never entered my mind. But it sounds good, a vacation to get away from it all, the job, mostly the job but the neighbors too. They seem to be nervous always staring across at everyone else. I met this one guy Jerry who seemed okay but when I left his house I could swear he was peeking through the window at me. And peeping is the only word that fits for what he was doing because it implies that it was wrong and it did feel that way. Maybe I will take a vacation, clear my head, take a break. God knows I need it.
The 6th
We’re going to Vegas. I know it seems kind of bastardly to take kids there but I saw those amusement parks they had and I know the kids would have a good time, Johnny especially. We’re leaving tomorrow and staying a whole week. Judy was a little down on the idea but I convinced her. I mean I can’t do much better than that money isn’t as abundant as it used to be. But I can live with it- will live with it. Besides I could do a little gambling up there and make some money. Maybe win a jackpot.
The 14th
Got back tonight. It was great; everyone seemed to have a good time but Jessica. She doesn’t seem to have a good time anywhere. I made four hundred bucks. The last time I was at Vegas I lost over a thousand. So could this mean luck is finally coming my way? I don’t know but I can make an educated guess. I don’t really feel like writing tonight, so…
The 21st
Didn’t feel like writing all week. Then it sunk in. I’m stuck here. Like so many other people who had ambitions and dreams but found them unattainable. I see all the people on this street and just from their faces I can tell they’re all like me desperate to change, but somehow unable. And it’s not that I can’t but that it’s too hard. Wishing doesn’t make it happen, so I’ll try. Try for myself more than anyone else, God knows I need to. I haven’t dug myself into a rut but more like a gorge and it’s gonna take a hell of a lot before I feel good again. But that’s okay I guess. I’ve got Judy and Johnny and little Jessica I just wish I could be happy for them.
The 23rd
Fought with Judy. God am I an asshole. I can’t just leave it alone. I can’t express my anger at the thing that actually makes me angry instead I leave it on her. Stayed up all night. Didn’t want to go up there couldn’t face her. I just sat downstairs on the couch. I went out on the porch and noticed a lot of other people were out there too. It just seemed eerie, like a feeling of déjà vu. What was even stranger was what happened next, I guess it was just the awkwardness of us all being out there at the same time but then within a minute we all went back inside myself going in before some others but I got the feeling that they were going to go inside not much later.
Now more than ever I just want to start over. Start a new life. And I feel terrible for it. I love my family but I hate my life. It was hard for me to admit but I do. It’s like I’m trapped in my own life forced to live it out. I will. I owe Judy and the kids that much I mean I said, “I do” and with that comes the responsibility of it. And even if I could divorce Judy would that change anything.
The 24th
Went over to that guy Jerry’s house he called me over after I got home. He seemed eager to talk to me but couldn’t quite explain about what. Normally I would have been mad at something like this but to see the expression on his face. He said, “I found out something”. For a while he didn’t tell me but after he did I have to say it made my day. “They’re changin’ us,” he said his face lit as if he had just discovered that the world was round and he had to share it with the world. “The houses are changin’ us.” If he didn’t look the way he did I would have laughed in his face. I told him I had to go and I could do without the look he gave me as I left, like a little kid who was just told that he was the only person who wasn’t going to the fair. So I left all the while behind me he said, “I’ve lived here the longest I should know.” I didn’t tell Judy she would have called the cops on him or something. He’s not dangerous just a little crazy. I can respect that because we all are in a way.
The 25th
Johnny broke his arm this afternoon. I swear he’s going to kill himself one of these days with his tree climbing. Although when I was his age I did the same sort of stuff I still had to ground him. I mean in the emergency room when we left he was telling Jessie how he was gonna climb the tree. He would get to the top. Greg Allen had done it so he could too. I asked him where the Allen’s lived he said down on Caulder street. What had he been doing climbing a tree on our street. Johnny said he didn’t know. Kids are so stupid these days I mean that tree is about to fall down without the aid of children climbing atop it. When I came home I can’t be sure it was probably just a trick of the eyes but I thought I saw the Goodman’s and the Fowler’s boys both of them had white casts on. Didn’t happen, nope.
The 26th
Feeling a lot better. The job or life doesn’t seem so down anymore. Maybe I was just going through mid-life crisis or something like that but I swear I feel so much better. Like after you vomit. I know it’s a pretty gross analogy but that’s as close to what I can think up about how it feels. I talked to that Jerry guy again today and apparently he’s feeling good to. I asked him about that theory of his and he said I was crazy. It’s okay maybe I am and that’s why I feel so good.
The 27th
I found out that Jerry and me drink the same beer, like the same music and movies. It’s great I can finally have one of those guy friends that I miss desperately from Oklahoma. Sometimes you just have to wait and then you figure out that the world isn’t so bad it was just a little dip in your life it always goes back up again.
The 28th
You know what’s funny. Everyone on the street leaves for work at about the same time. And everybody on the streets got kids. Kind of weird but that’s okay. I mean it’s kind of better not having the old couple that keeps to themselves or the creepy guy that lives alone on the street. What’s wrong with that? Nothing. But I really did think that Jerry was single when I first met him. Didn’t seem to have a wife but it turns out he’s got a wife and two kids. It’s a small world after all.
The 29th
I like writing in here even though I don’t feel I need to anymore. I can’t really let go. Everything’s going good. Went to the doctor, was fine. Talked to Mr. Goodman who was waiting with me. Turns out we both set our appointments on the same day. Got checked out. I’m doing good. When I was leaving I said hello to David Long who lives just down the street he made an appointment too. It’s a damn small world.
The 30th
Good day, good life. Went to work. Had a not too shabby day there. Came home and it was even better. Said hello to everyone, literally, they all said hello back. Does life get better than this?
The 31st
Wonderful day. Got a dog, just up and decided to. Jerry was at the store getting one too. Great minds think alike. We named it Rex. Got a tag made with Jerry they named theirs T-rex. Great minds think alike. You know they do.
September
The 1st
Good day. The dog’s getting along well. Johnny is nervously awaiting school, while Jessica can’t wait for it. Judy says we should get them school supplies we have been putting it off long enough, do it tomorrow.
The 2nd
Good day. Got school supplies for the kids. Went clothes shopping with Judy. Bought clothes for Judy, the kids and myself. Then went home. Good day.
The 3rd
Good day. One more day until school begins. Work was fine. Talked with Jerry.
Then went home. Good day.
The 4th
Good day. Kids began school. Said it was good. Work was fine. Good day.
The 5th
Good day. Work was fine. Talked with Jerry. Good day.
The 6th
Good day. Work was fine. Good day.
The 7th
Good day.
The 8th
Good day.
The 9th
Good day.
The 10th
Good day.