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View Full Version : Ramblings at the Donut Shop


punkLECH
12-08-2002, 06:34 PM
Ok, I don't normally write poetry. In fact, I don't write poetry at all. But this is what I scribbled onto a napkin one night a donut shop a few months ago. Neither have titles because I didn't ever decided to title them. Criticism, please.

Untitled
In time of war,
chests swell with prejudice.
Forsaking temptation,
toes curl inwards
lighting fires in the soil.
The worms and vermin prosper
never happier,
never more content
than when they were soldiers--
marching toward their deaths.

Untitled II
You say "We were happy then."
I say "We were both mistaken."
You shake your head, unbelieving
I nod and smile, remembering
You were right.
I was wrong.
I hate you for it.

Dryve Thru Romance
12-08-2002, 10:21 PM
they were kinda confusing :(
but other than that, good job!

Tiffanie
12-08-2002, 11:20 PM
awsome...i really like the second one...and the first one is crazy cool..meaning its awsome....great work...you should keep writing cause you seem to have some talent for it :)

Pinky
12-10-2002, 11:32 PM
ooo, i like the second one. honestly, i didn't get the first one too much, but i like the second one :yes: The first one's very... graphic :lol: But great work babe! You should keep writing, I mean if you can write that in a napkin on a doughnut shop (btw.. doughnuts fatten like hell, ya know that?) imagine if you were at home, quietly, concentraiting ;)

ocean
12-11-2002, 02:27 AM
i really liked the second one! the first was very deep!
you should <try> to write more!

Tiffanie
12-11-2002, 06:21 AM
ya definitly we need more poets on this site...write your heart out lol

De-Generate
12-11-2002, 06:31 AM
Thought the second poem was wicked. Keep it up, you got a talent. ;)

fooeleven
12-11-2002, 10:21 AM
COOL

MarieLove
12-11-2002, 12:52 PM
wow i think the second one is the best! me likes :yes:

narrator
12-11-2002, 05:39 PM
I like how concise they are